BUM
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: After an accident leaves him horribly burned and one of his friends dead, Xander Harris flees Sunnydale with only the symbiote on his back to seek someplace where he can fit in.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I claim no ownership of any media property contained her** **ein.** **  
**

Xander awoke to someone poking him. "Wutyou'ont?" he muttered, half awake.

"I believe she wants to know what you're doing clinging invisibly to the underside of a building ledge," Nightwing said.

"We were sleeping," Xander replied irritably.

"The snores kinda gave that away," the masked hero replied, as Batgirl continued feeling out the invisible part.

"Watch the hands!" Xander exclaimed as the latex clad young lady's exploration hit a bit below the belt line.

She sent a flurry of hand signs which Nightwing translated, "Why are you sleeping naked and invisible out here?"

"We're wearing as much clothing as Martian Manhunter does," Xander defended himself, allowing his eyes and mouth to become visible. "We're homeless, broke, and have no ID," he explained. "And We figured this was better than a park bench."

"You're a Martian?" he asked, surprised.

"No," Xander said flatly. "Now, do you mind letting us sleep?"

"Are you an alien or a meta?" Nightwing questioned him.

"A little bit of each, why?" Xander replied irritably.

"Because I can't just have an unknown meta or alien running around loose," he replied.

Xander made his right eyebrow visible so he could raise it. "Go be a bigot elsewhere, we need our beauty sleep."

"I'm not being a bigot!" Nightwing exclaimed. "I don't know what powers you have or what your motivation is. For all I know, you could be a deranged killer or need to eat human liver to survive."

"If we were a deranged killer we wouldn't be sleeping outside and our dietary needs are the same as most humans, though we do like our sweets," Xander said. "And if you weren't a bigot you'd be rousting all the homeless, not just the ones who aren't normal humans."

Batgirl sent a flurry of signals, clearly amused.

"Paranoid I'll cop to," Nightwing admitted, "but not bigotry."

"Then why are you bugging us?" Xander demanded.

"Because you have the capability of causing a lot of trouble and I don't know you well enough to trust you."

"You are an idiot than," Xander said flatly, "because you should never ever underestimate what 'mere' humans can do; powers may seem like the most important factor but intelligence and will are something you should never overlook!"

Batgirl applauded, grinning widely.

Nightwing groaned. He had a feeling this was going to be a long night.

* * *

Xander crawled into bed and pulled up the covers, though he still left his camouflage ability on.

It'd taken Nightwing over an hour to convince Xander to come to the Watchtower and eventually he'd had to resort to bribery and a promise that he wasn't going to be locked up and that they'd help him find his place in the world.

He'd barely gotten to sleep when he felt someone crawling into bed with him. "Occupied," he muttered, half awake.

"Sleepy," a female voice countered wrapping her arms around him.

"Kay," he replied and went back to sleep.

There was some excitement when she awoke, six hours later, and discovered she had slept with the invisible man, but Xander slept through it and didn't awaken until several hours after she'd left. Between sheer exhaustion, and being repeatedly woken up, Xander slept until noon. A quick shower left him feeling ravenous, but much more human than he'd gone to bed.

Deciding that the last thing he needed was to be run over by someone because they didn't see him, Xander contemplated how he should look before deciding on morphing into the invisible man in a tuxedo ala Claude Rains, so he looked like a very upscale burn victim with his head wrapped in gauze and a pair of thin white gloves covering his hands. With the variety of costumes on the space station he didn't even look out of place as he joined the crowd off on their various errands while he searched for the cafeteria.

His nose led him right to Nirvana, according to his stomach.

The Justice League's cafeteria was enormous, designed to seat over a hundred beings of various sizes...which made it look even more like a high-school cafeteria. Seriously.

Xander was about to get in line when he and some others were lassoed by a stretched out limb. "Come on campers," Plastic Man said cheerfully, dragging them off. "You Jr JLU members are about to get some experience in crowd control."

"I can throw lightning around and I'm stuck as crowd control?" Static Shock complained, disbelief clear in his voice.

"Everyone's gotta start somewhere," Gear replied.

"That's the spirit!" Plastic Man cheered. "I'll be right with you, unless the members onsite need my help too. It's all about teamwork."

The four were teleported into the middle of a warzone.

Sinestro and Green Lantern were trading blasts from their power rings while Superman and Solomon Grundy exchanged blows that made the ground shudder and Batman fought...what looked like a common street thug if not for the way he ripped up chunks of the street and threw them at him.

"The newcomer steals abilities," Batman called out. "Superman's fighting at half strength because of him. Avoid skin to skin contact and keep the civilians clear."

"You heard the man," Plastic Man said. "Keep the looky loos back so the big guys have room to move."

"We don't get breakfast until this is done, do we?" Xander asked with a sigh. Normally he'd have given his right arm to see something like this, but he'd had a rough couple of days and was starving!

"Who are you?" Plastic Man asked.

"Starving," he replied, offering a hand. "Nice to meet you."

"That's a strange superhero name," Plastic Man said, his lips twisting completely around on his face as he considered it.

"We're not a superhero," Xander replied. "We're a homeless guy Nightwing sent to the Watchtower, saying they could help us."

"You're kidding?" Gear and Static chorused.

"No, and it's been days since we've eaten."

"Sorry, guy," Plastic Man apologized with a wince. "As soon as this is taken care of, I'll personally stuff you full of grub."

"OK," Xander said, deciding to speed things up a bit before he starved to death. As he and his symbiote concentrated on the thug, his form morphed into an old man in a bathrobe who bore a certain resemblance to the man. "Hey, Billy," Xander called out, in an old man's voice.

The new villain stopped and stared. "Grandpa?"

"You're not too big to put over my knee, Billy," Xander warned hobbling forward and letting the robe almost fall open.

The man looked horrified.

"Damn robe, always getting caught on things," Xander growled out like he was eighty. "Let me get this thing out of the way, and then I'll whup your ass," Xander said, reaching for the belt.

"Grandpa, NO!"

"Give up or the robe comes off," Xander warned.

The man fell to his knees offering his wrists to Batman. "Cuff me!"

Superman seemed to catch his second wind as his powers were returned to full strength and Grundy was driven back by a flurry of blows.

Sinestro also gave ground against the Green Lantern as his ring seemed to be fighting him.

Xander then morphed into an elderly red skinned woman in a bathrobe as 'she' turned and hobbled toward the Power Ring wielders. "Billy, I need you to loofah my back, I'm not as young as I used to be."

Sinestro turned so pale he looked pink. The yellow power ring he wore ripped itself off his hand and flew to Xander, leaving it to the Green Lantern to insure Sinestro didn't fall from the sky.

Xander put the yellow power ring on his left hand and turned to Plastic Man. "We need a handful of salt, please," he said distractedly while the ring and his symbiote both vied for his attention, questions and answers flying back and forth at the speed of thought.

"Yes, sir!" Plastic Man ran off, not wanting to argue and risk seeing one of his own grandparents naked.

Xander morphed back into his Claude Rains outfit, while Batman and Superman double teamed Grundy.

"You can turn into people's grandparents?" Static asked, completely weirded out.

"That's gotta be breaking the Geneva Convention," Gear muttered.

Xander untangled a piece of wire from a chain link fence and pulled it like it was taffy, turning it into steel thread. "We just based the looks we shifted into on what we guessed their grandparents would look like."

"There's probably no law against it, but there should be," Gear said, shuddering.

"Here!" Plastic Man said, shoving a container of salt at Xander.

"Thanks," Xander said, ripping the top off the container and approaching the roaring Grundy as he was driven back by the pair of heroes.

The container of salt and the wire were outlined in yellow energy as Xander concentrated on what he wanted to happen and fed the image to the yellow ring he wore.

Grundy stumbled back as salt was shot at his face like Xander had used a cannon, filling his mouth and blinding him. The thin metal wire slithered forward like it was alive piercing his lips again and again sewing them shut as he clawed at his face. Grundy stiffened and fell over eyes staring at nothing once his lips were fully sealed.

"What did you do?" Batman demanded.

"To return a zombie to its eternal rest all you have to do is fill its mouth with salt and sew its lips shut," Xander explained.

"You killed him?" Superman asked.

"He was already dead, and I'd suggest a proper burial on consecrated ground to insure he rests in peace this time."

Batman frowned. "How can you be sure he wasn't alive?"

"If he had been truly alive, filling his mouth with salt and sewing his lips shut would have just pissed him off."

"Indeed," Batman said, making a note. "How'd you get Sinestro's power ring?"

"We scared the piss out of him," Xander replied. "Now we believe we were promised breakfast?"

"I don't suppose salt and sewing works on clowns?" Batman asked, in a rare moment of humor.

"Worth a shot," Xander offered.

 **AN: Typing by Lucilla!**

 **AN2: Man am I lazy!**


	2. Chapter 2

"Thanks for the help," Superman said, offering his hand.

Xander shook it, noting how careful Superman was not to mangle his hand. "It's no problem, besides we're being bribed with food."

"Give me back my ring!" Sinestro demanded as the Green Lantern joined them, carrying Sinestro in a green bubble.

"I'm going to need his ring," Green Lantern said.

"Are you offering challenge?" Xander asked formally as the yellow ring continue to feed him data.

"Challenge?" Superman asked, as Green Lantern looked at Xander in surprise.

"A ring bearer can challenge another for their ring," Xander explained, "however, they risk their own by doing so."

"That is a tradition among green ring bearers, not yellow ones," Green Lantern said.

Xander shook his head. "A tradition has grown up around it, but that doesn't change the rules governing the challenge. The color of the ring is completely immaterial, ask your ring."

"I -" the bald headed Green Lantern fell silent as he consulted with his ring. "I see. Are you saying you won't simply turn over the ring?"

"Are you going to turn yours over to us?" Xander asked, refusing to be intimidated.

"You're outnumbered six to one," Green Lantern pointed out.

"We refuse to turn this into a physical confrontation," Xander said, crossing his arms and ignoring the now threatening postures of the people around him.

Green Lantern's ring snapped off like a switch had been flipped, dropping him and Sinestro on their asses. "What the?!"

"The challenge has been accepted by your ring and your attempt to intimidate us ignored," Xander said.

"I challenge!" Sinestro quickly shouted out.

"You have no ring to challenge with," Xander replied. "Get one and we'll accept your challenge."

Batman had Sinestro cuffed before he could say anything more, but Sinestro just nodded respectfully.

"Would you mind telling me what's going on?" Superman asked.

Xander nodded. "Sure. The Power Rings are all keyed to different emotions, but they are all tools of order. The Guardians of Oa chose Will as being the most appropriate tool for the enforcement of the rule of law and issued them to their chosen agents. However, the Guardians aren't the legal rulers over all of existence, nor are they Lords of Order. Their moral authority isn't absolute and as tools of order, there are rules about the rings interactions with one another, which each ring bearer must obey. One of which is the challenge for a ring."

"How come I've never heard of this before?" Plastic Man asked. "I've worked with baldy plenty of times and he never said a thing."

"I didn't know it," Green Lantern admitted. "Normally we simply battle and turn captured rings over to the Guardians."

"And if we we're a criminal that option would be one that was available to you, however we are not a criminal and the ring chose us over its current bearer," Xander explained, trying to sound knowledgeable while just parroting what the ring was still explaining to him.

"I thought the Guardians of Oa created the rings," Gear offered.

"At the level of existence they were accessing to bring them into being, it was more like discovering than designing. At any rate, the rings are all creations of the Lords of Order," Xander said. "They were created to settle an argument that is so far over our head we literally have no grasp of the concepts needed to explain it, but it's why we have the challenge."

"And my ring won't work for me until I've answered the challenge," Green Lantern realized.

"If you did not want to contest for the rings, you should not have offered challenge. This is basic information you should have learned from your ring the moment you put it on," Xander said, shaking his head.

"My training never covered it," he replied.

"The Guardians of Oa are control freaks," Xander said with a shrug, "but each ring has a fully functioning sentient AI that waits patiently for you to ask if there's anything you need to know."

"Who are you?" Static asked.

"Can we continue this on the Watch Tower?" Superman suggested.

"That's acceptable," Xander agreed.

After a quick lunch, the heroes gathered in a simulator room to complete the challenge, with a few additional people gathered along the way.

After a large meal, Xander felt a million times better and the way his face itched let him know his symbiote had enough resources to start repairing the portions of his skin that had been destroyed.

"What right do you have to challenge Green Lantern for his ring?" Vixen demanded. "He's a good man who does a damn fine job! We all know him and what he stands for while we haven't even seen your face!"

"And we haven't seen your tits!" Xander fired back, causing everyone to fall silent.

"What?" she asked coldly.

"Two things," Xander said. "One, we didn't challenge him for his ring, he challenged us for ours; so don't pretend we're the one who started this. And Two, most of the people here hide their identities behind a mask of one sort or another, so asking to see our face is as out of line as us asking you to bare your breasts."

Vixen reached up and yanked down her top.

Xander's jaw fell to almost his waist.

"Hey, that's my shtick!" Plastic Man exclaimed.

"Put up or shut up!" Vixen growled.

Xander pulled his jaw back up and his outfit morphed from Claude Rains to a solid, full-body, black outfit with a stylized white spider wrapped around his chest. "We'll warn you now, we were at ground zero to an idiot setting off a poorly made kerosene bomb, so our face is... Just try not to lose your lunch." For once he was glad his face was burned as badly as it was, as it made identifying him all but impossible.

"Stan Lee is going to sue you for copyright infringement," Gear said, shaking his head.

Xander's costume peeled back from his head, revealing a face that was seared to the bone in places, with large sections of skin missing and muscles exposed to the air.

"How do we -" Vixen began when Superman interrupted her.

"It's real," Superman assured her.

Xander quickly ordered the symbiote to cover his face once more.

"Sorry," Vixen apologized, pulling up her top.

Xander shrugged. "Not your fault, and hopefully it'll heal in time. Anyway, like we were saying, it's not our actions that led to this. Green Lantern challenged us for our ring, not the other way around."

"You could have just given it to him," Plastic Man pointed out.

"That would have been stating that we were a criminal because he had the right to claim our ring," Xander said. "The only crime we can be charged with is vagrancy or possibly being an illegal alien, neither of which was our choice."

"So what do we call you?" Static asked.

"We usually go by Spider-Man," Xander said not wanting to provide any connections to his old life that could be used to trace him.

"Like the comic book character?" Gear asked.

"The what now?" Xander asked, feigning surprise and relying on his symbiote to fake the correct biological signs to fool the senses of any being or sensors nearby.

"If you're not from this reality, how do you know so much about the rings?" Batman demanded, figuring out Xander's cover and poking at the holes before he could even finish establishing it.

"The ring has its own AI that can communicate telepathically with the wearer, and we have some experience with telepathic communication," Xander explained. "How did you know we were from elsewhere?"

"If you're really Peter Parker, why do you have a California accent?" Batman countered.

Xander quickly buried himself in the Peter mindset Venom supplied from his copy of Peter's memories. "How did you -" He leapt onto the wall to give himself room to fight.

"Easy!" Superman called out, quickly getting in between Xander and everyone else. "In this reality you are a well-known comic book character."

"One from New York," Batman pointed out.

"We didn't move to New York until we were almost a teen," Xander said. "Besides, Jonah hates the accent, so we always use it while in costume."

"Everyone in the US, and probably the world, knows your history and name," Static said. "Reading your comics is part of what convinced me to become a hero."

"Really?" Xander asked, dropping off the wall.

"Really," Static assured him.

"So much for a secret ID," Xander muttered. His ring pulsed. "Back to the challenge," he announced.

As the rest of the heroes cleared out, leaving Xander facing Green Lantern for the ring challenge, he was struck by the thought that if he hadn't washed his new black jeans with his lucky Spider Man boxers, none of this would have occurred and Oz would still be alive.

 **AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	3. Chapter 3

The heroes watched as the two men held up their right fist with their rings pointing at each other. The rings pulsed brightly once and then returned to normal.

"And that's that," Xander said, holding out a palm for Green Lantern's ring.

John Stewart sighed and depowered, removing his ring and handing to Xander. "It's a shame, I liked being a Green Lantern. I really felt I made a difference."

"Did I blink and miss the contest?" The Flash asked as everyone stared in confusion.

"Yeah," Plastic Man chimed in. "Where was the battle?"

"It's not a battle," John said as the heroes rejoined them. "The rings are connected to their bearer to such an extent that they become extensions of them, which means the two rings simply compare data to determine a winner."

Xander removed his yellow ring and placed it next to the green one, closing his hands around them both for a moment before opening them to reveal a single yellow-green ring that he put on his finger. A moment of concentration created a green bubble in his hand that vanished a second later.

"You did a lot of good work, John," Superman assured him, "and just because you don't have a ring any more doesn't mean you have to quit the League. I'm pretty sure you have the will to continue being a hero without the ring."

"Batman, Steele, Green Arrow," Plastic Man began listing off heroes without powers who used home-made equipment.

"OK, OK, I get it," John said with a smile.

"The ring was just a tool. There are other tools available," Batman pointed out.

"You will always be my hero, Boo," Vixen said, pulling him down for a kiss.

A flash of green heralded the arrival of a short blue figure with a large head.

"Guardian!" John exclaimed with a mixture of reverence and shock.

"Greetings, John Stewart," the Guardian said. "We received a message that you lost your ring in a challenge, is that correct?"

Everyone turned to Xander who waved cheerfully.

"I was battling Sinestro when his ring chose a new wielder," John explained. "When I went to retrieve the ring from its new wielder, Spider-Man, I inadvertently entered into a ring challenge, which he won."

The Guardian cupped his hands for a moment, causing them to glow bright green and making everyone flinch, but when he opened them he held a new Green Lantern ring. "We are not directly involved in the ring challenges, as order without compassion leads to injustice, but we do have some interest in the end result of the challenges."

John Stewart caught the new Green Lantern ring as it flew to him and welcomed him to the corps.

"Try not to lose this one," the Guardian said, amused. "May I see your ring, please?" he asked Xander.

Xander slid the ring off his finger and let the Guardian scan it.

"So is it like two or three times as powerful as a normal ring?" Gear asked curiously.

"Fear erodes will, will crushes fear," the Guardian replied.

"Erm, translation?" Gear asked.

"It's nearly powerless," Xander explained. "The two forces are like heat and cold, they cancel each other out."

"Then why would anyone challenge for another ring?" Plastic Man asked.

"Once more, we didn't make the challenge," Xander said irritably. "Anyway, as we said, the challenge is about a philosophical argument among the Lords of Order. We don't have words for the concepts involved and they are completely over our head. It has nothing to do with gaining power, though if it had been blue and green... that would have been a ring of some power."

The Guardian scanned Xander before handing back the ring. "Your clothing has a slight connection to the yellow spectrum," he noted.

Xander consulted with his symbiote and discovered its ability to generate a fear aura and slight tele-empathic ability, had been enhanced by contact with the yellow ring. "We know," he replied, not wanting to go into its feeding habits.

"Thank you for your time," the Guardian told Xander. Turning to Green Lantern he nodded slightly. "Keep up the good work, I must be off now."

After the Guardian had vanished, Green Lantern turned to Xander, "Thanks."

"Don't thank us," Xander waved it off. "Your ring is the one who wanted to send a message. We just agreed because the Guardians are good guys and we figured you'd get a replacement ring faster."

"You knew they would send a replacement ring," Gear said. "That's why you were acting like it wasn't a huge deal."

"We figured since Green Lantern was chosen before, the replacement ring would choose him again and regardless of the outcome they would need to send another green ring."

"You knew the contest would leave the winner with a powerless ring," Batman noted.

"It was pretty obvious," Xander said with a shrug. "Complementary emotions they are not."

"And you aren't upset?" Plastic Man asked. "That's a huge step down in power, from ring wielder to... well, non-powerful-ring wielder."

Xander shrugged. "We admit we were looking forward to flying, but that's about all we needed the ring for."

"Aren't you homeless?" Static asked.

"Yeah, but since we're not a criminal, a power ring wouldn't change that. We need actual identification so we can get a job, so we can rent a place and buy food, especially since we're eating for three now," Xander finished as his costume informed him of its current condition.

"Eating for three?" Plastic Man asked, confused.

Xander nodded. "While we slept last night, a girl crawled into bed with us and she was radiating ... erm, we really don't want to get into how complicated our reproductive cycle is, but it boils down to, we're pregnant and we don't know who the mother is."

Plastic Man's jaw hit the ground as he demonstrated the proper way to pull off jaw dropping shock.

Batman backtracked Xander's movements using his handheld (and bat themed) link to the station's computer and discovered which female had inadvertently shared his bed, before Plastic Man had picked his jaw off the floor. "Starfire," he announced.

"We should probably meet with her," Xander said.

* * *

"Um, Starfire?" Robin asked.

"Yes, Robin?"

"Did you sleep with someone on the Watchtower?"

"She wouldn't do that," Beast Boy quickly jumped to her defense, as Robin and Starfire had just started dating recently.

"Not on purpose," Starfire admitted. "He was invisible and asleep when I crawled into bed with him. I was exhausted and depressed, the Bosnia mission was a success, but over a dozen children died. It was actually a relief not to sleep alone."

"I understand," Robin said, giving her shoulder a squeeze.

"So... why bring it up?" Raven asked curiously.

"Erm... Due to the unique physiologies of the individuals involved... he's pregnant!"

 ***THUD***

"Star? Star?!" Robin shook the unconscious superheroine.

 **AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	4. Chapter 4

Xander ate a third lunch with The Flash. "That hit the spot," Xander said. "Now all we need is some multivitamins and to scare someone."

The Flash flickered and tossed a bottle of prenatal vitamins he suddenly had to Xander. "Vitamins I get, but scare someone?"

"My symbiote feeds on fear, so scaring someone is a regular event. We're not talking trauma, but a little more than just jumping out of a closet and yelling BOO," Xander explained. "For instance an exciting roller coaster ride with a dozen people is very filling."

"How do you feel about pranks?" The Flash asked with a grin.

 ***o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o***

He awoke naked, with blood in his mouth, but the sun was rising so he was at least a little optimistic.

"Daniel," a female voice called out.

Turning, he froze for a moment in shock. "Granny, what big-"

"Let's just leave it at that," his aunt Linda interrupted, amused and... naked.

Oz scratched himself and considered what question to ask first.

"An explosion killed you, but since no silver was involved it was only temporary. We switched the toe tags with an unrisen fledge, so the coroner arranged same day burial with no autopsy. Your new name is Daniel Oswald Osborn. You are your own cousin legally," she explained waving for him to follow her.

"Blood and naked?" he asked.

"We're werewolves, we always wake up naked, it's one more reason we run ranches or take jobs as forest rangers. The blood is from one of the sheep we set loose so we aren't tempted to look elsewhere for prey."

"Suddenly, a lot of things about our family make sense," Oz said.

"Our lack of tears at most funerals and the way we are so picky about our mates?" she asked knowingly.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Not sure I get the unconcern when I was bit and moving free though."

"We aren't human," Linda said, stopping to explain. "Lycanthropy isn't a disease or a curse. If Jordy had bit anyone else, nothing would have happened, because if it was that easy to spread we'd be up to our ass in werewolves from people catching it by kissing. No, Lycanthropy is easy to activate only if you are descended from Lycanthropes. We didn't find out you had changed until you called and... each person is allowed to make their own choice about how they handle it. Most of us choose a quiet life away from people."

They resumed walking.

"I'm surprised you don't have higher fences," he said as they reached the dirt road that lead to the house from the back forty.

"Humans are curious animals," Linda said, "build a fence to keep them out and they'll kill themselves to get in. Best to put up decent fences and warning signs and let things sort themselves out."

"So... we eat people?" Oz asked.

"Not if we can avoid it and unless starved and trapped with nothing else to eat, we can avoid it," she assured him. "We chose lands with a decent amount of safe acres for farming and or cattle, along with rather large portions of acres that are dangerous to humans to keep them out. Idiots that trespass are more likely to get bitten by a rattlesnake or a rabid possum than a werewolf. Nevertheless you will probably end up injuring or killing at least one human in your lifetime because nothing is fool proof and there are a god awful amount of fools."

"That's kinda callous," Oz noted.

"Before I met your uncle I had a dozen acres in Kansas," she explained. "It was enough to give me some elbow room and I arranged it so the local river flowed around my property, I even installed an eight foot electrical fence on top of that."

"And?" he asked a couple of minutes had passed.

"I had a god damned moat! And people still got in. One was a hunter, two were suspected murderer's, and the last one was a love sick fool who tricked me into biting him."

"My uncle?"

"Yep. Fortunately his grandmother turned out to be a Lycanthrope. I went through years of therapy just to be able to accept the fact that I wasn't responsible for their actions, I was only responsible for my own and that I had taken more than adequate precautions."

Oz put a hand on his aunt's shoulder and turned her to face him. "I agree," he said.

Linda wrapped her nephew in a tight hug, obviously still a little upset over past events. "You're poking me," she said after a minute, amusement clear in her tone.

"Sorry, reflex," he replied letting her go so they could continue the walk to the house.

"There are ways to control it, though there is some danger," Linda offered.

"I was thinking cold shower," he replied.

She laughed. "I meant the change."

 ***o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o***

The Question and The Huntress opened the door to his office only to see the back of a grey suited man going through his desk.

"Who are you and what are you doing in my files?" The Question demanded.

The man didn't even look up, just waved a hand behind him sending a handful of red tape that missed The Question but taped The Huntress to the wall. The Question rushed forward and spun the man around, only to stumble back in surprise as he saw a completely featureless face, a perfect match for his own.

"What the?" The Huntress stopped struggling to get free as she stared in open mouthed shock.

"Who are you?" The Question demanded.

"I'm... The Faceless Bureaucrat," he replied. "For every fact you uncover I conceal five! Every conspiracy you expose, I spin to make the public ridicule it. It is my mission to tidy up all the loose ends and today that loose end happens to be you!"

The two started battling, The Faceless Bureaucrat always just a little too fast and strong for The Question to handle. After a minute The Faceless Bureaucrat sighed and just stood there blocking everything thrown at him with one hand. "This just isn't working for us," The Faceless Bureaucrat said. "We feed off of fear not righteous anger."

"What?" the heroes chorused.

The Faceless Bureaucrats' features and outfit morphed into Xander's invisible man outfit. "Since we got knocked up we need to feed more than usual and the emotion we metabolize best is fear. This prank has not worked nearly so well as we had hoped."

"It was mildly entertaining at least," The Flash said, appearing out of nowhere. "I'm going to go locate Green Arrow, I'll meet you in the cafeteria." He vanished in a blur of speed.

"No harm, no foul?" Xander asked.

"You glued Huntress spread eagle to my wall," The Question replied dryly.

"Yeah," The Huntress agreed slowly, eying The Question.

"How, do I dissolve the... red tape you used?" he asked examining her bindings and completely missing the looks she was giving him.

"They'll dissolve in ten minutes," Xander replied.

"Really?" The Huntress asked with a frown.

Xander raised his hands.

 *** Thwip! Thwip! ***

"We mean one hour and ten minutes," Xander corrected himself, having added a layer of webbing.

"Why did you do that for?" The Question asked annoyed.

"We can take it from here," The Huntress said.

"But... I'm missing something obvious, aren't I?" The Question asked.

Xander used the door behind him and added a bit of webbing to prevent anyone interrupting them for the next hour.

"What did you just do?" Supergirl demanded before turning her x-ray vision on the room and turning bright red. She quickly shut her eyes as she almost activated her heat vision.

"Would you mind helping us with a prank?" Xander asked.

"Pardon?" Kara asked confused by the sudden switch in topics.

"We're pranking Green Arrow and we need someone who can pretend to be turned into a yuppie when hit with a mind control ray," he explained.

"I'm listening," Kara said before blinking heavily as she heard what the two off duty heroes were doing. "I mean – Let's go do that!"

 ***o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o***

Xander and The Flash beamed down to the front door of the Titan's Tower, Xander back in his Claude Rains form.

"Let me do the talking," The Flash said, knocking on the door.

"Come in," Beast Boy said instantly, when he opened the door and saw who it was. "So you're the guy, Star knocked up?" he asked as he lead them into the living room.

"Beast Boy!" Raven growled as Star blushed bright red.

"What? It's a fair question," he defended himself.

"Yep, my friend here has her bun in his oven," The Flash replied tactlessly.

"Not quite," Xander said amused.

"You find this funny?" Raven asked surprised.

"Very," Xander agreed. "The human part of me isn't pregnant."

"Human part?" the teens chorused.

"Yeah," Xander agreed. "We're going to need a projector, a blackboard, and possibly some dolls."

"You're going to give us a sex-ed lesson?" Robin guessed.

"Not quite," Xander said. "This was reproduction without sex."

"Really?" Robin said perking up.

"Truly?" Star asked hopefully.

"Emm, you don't recall?" Raven asked.

"I remember comfort and bad feelings draining away, which lead to a moment of joy, then sleep," Star explained. "There was flesh on flesh contact as well."

"Yes, we both sleep naked, kinda," Xander said. "We'll try to sum it up quickly. Our skin is covered by a symbiotic life form, so the claim can be made that we're naked all the time. Now, my symbiote half feeds on emotional energy so..."

"So Star's people have emotionally powered abilities, meaning while sleeping it ate her sadness," Robin theorized.

"Which made her very happy," Xander explained. "Normally we aren't... flooded with emotional energy like that. We were not prepared for it."

"And the baby?" Star asked.

"The baby symbiote will bud off us in a manner of days," Xander said. "The little one will need to bond with a compatible being."

"Bond?" Star asked.

"Symbiotes bond with a person giving them access to a wide range of skills and abilities," Xander explained. "Enhanced strength, speed, agility, flexibility, healing, webbing, danger sense - "

"Spider-Man!" Beast Boy interrupted. "It gives you the powers of Spider-Man? Why does that sound familiar?"

"Because he is Spider-Man," The Flash replied as Xander's outfit morphed into the familiar black and white.

"We are a comic book here," Xander said, "but there are realities where we are not."

"Dude, didn't the symbiote turn evil?" Beast Boy demanded.

"A symbiote bonds with one person fully," Xander explained. "Being rejected or torn away can drive them insane. Fortunately the return of their bondmate restores them."

"So you're..." Beast Boy asked excitedly.

Xander allowed the mask to recede from his face for a moment to show his burned countenance. "We are, but we were burned badly in an explosion and are still healing." His mask flowed back up to cover his face.

"It can heal that?" Robin asked, having seen bone in a few places.

"Yes, but it takes time and a lot of food," Xander replied.

"What kind of bondmate will our child desire?" Star asked curiously.

"It will not care, but we would like for it to be someone intelligent and heroic who will value them," Xander replied, recalling comics where the symbiote's children had been on both sides of the line.

"You are hiding something," Raven announced.

"Many things," Xander agreed easily. "Are we all going to reveal our secrets here? If everyone else will, we will."

"I sense some reluctance, but you are being honest about it," Raven admitted.

"Is there anything we should know?" Robin asked, knowing they all had secrets they were entitled to keep.

"Tons," Xander said bluntly. "We hold knowledge wonderful and terrible that as guardians of a city you should be aware of."

Cyborg laughed. "A little too open ended there. Do you have any specific knowledge that pertains to us presently that we would desire to know?"

"Maybe," Xander said. "We can't think of anything time sensitive off the top of our heads for instance, but we probably know much that you would desire to know if you knew we knew."

"Truth," Raven said amused.

"Huh?" Beast Boy asked.

"Means no," Xander quoted imitating Buttercup's voice from the Princess Bride exactly.

Beast Boy laughed. "Cool imitation."

"We can imitate looks, sounds, turn invisible, see three hundred and sixty degrees around us, and just about a thousand other things," Xander finished.

"Welcome to the Titans," Robin said offering his hand.

Xander shook his hand. "We weren't trying to join, but this does solve most, if not all, of our current problems."

"And I didn't have to say, much at all," The Flash said with a grin before touching a finger to his ear and listening to something. "Oops, gotta go!" He vanished in a blur of speed.

"Can we take photos with you pretending you're bunch of different people?" Beast Boy asked.

"Only if some of them are completely tasteless and make the viewer doubt their sanity," Xander replied.

"Like what?" Cyborg asked.

"First picture Arnold Schwarzenegger dressed as a Terminator leaning against the Delorian from Back to the Future."

"Yeah," Beast Boy agreed, "and the second picture?"

"Grassy knoll in Texas with a sniper rifle," Xander finished.

"That would drive the conspiracy freaks nuts!" Cyborg exclaimed with a laugh. "I'll get the green screen ready!"

 **Typed by: Maltor**


	5. Chapter 5

"Hive is robbing the museum," Robin reported. "Titans go!"

Xander easily kept pace with the Titans as they answered the call, ending up squeezing behind Beast Boy's seat in a specially designed aircraft that probably came apart into individual sections as needed, if Xander was any judge. The colored piecemeal look of the vehicle certainly suggested it.

"Sorry the meet and greet was interrupted," Cyborg told Xander over the communication system.

"Very rarely have we ever had villains schedule a convenient time for a crime," Xander replied. "At least we aren't being called in the middle of snu-snu."

Robin didn't join in the laughter but you could hear the smile in his voice, "Too bad we can't interrupt their day like they interrupt ours."

"Being a hero is either reacting to crime or invading everyone's privacy to prevent it," Xander agreed. "Of course if we planted bugs on them we could find their lair and wait for the most annoying time possible to attack."

"That's evil," Cyborg said with a laugh. "Priming tracers now."

"ETA is in five," Starfire announced cheerfully.

"Five what?" Beast Boy asked, but before he could answer the Titan's craft flipped over and forcibly ejected everyone.

"Seconds I believe," Starfire replied grabbing Cyborg while Raven used her telekinesis to float herself and Robin, and Beast Boy took the form of a seagull.

Following his symbiote's memories, Xander shot a ball of webbing above him, using tactile telekinesis to form it into a gliding wing. "Does this normally happen?"

"Saves on parking fees," Cyborg replied.

"We've got the front," Robin announced as Raven guided them towards the front of the museum.

"The Caboose is us then," Starfire cheerfully announced.

"Roof is us and Beast Boy," Xander said.

As the group got low enough they saw the villains exit the museum.

"Or we could be fighting in the street in front of it," Cyborg said.

In seconds a battle royale had formed with neither side appearing all that concerned with collateral damage as energy blasts and explosives were tossed about like confetti.

Xander found himself throwing up screens of webbing to prevent needless destruction of the surrounding area.

Mammoth quickly gained the upper hand, knocking a rhino Beast Boy back a dozen feet and quickly turned to attack Xander, thinking he was trying to block all their escape routes. Starfire zipped between the two and caught Mammoth's fists, green fire leaking from her eyes as she yelled," You will not touch my Baby's daddy!"

Mammoth shrank back. "You're pregnant?"

"No, he is," Starfire responded firmly.

"Is this some alien thing?" Jinx asked as the fight stopped.

"Yes, but on our part," Xander replied.

"Should you be fighting in your condition?" Mammoth asked nervously.

"We were just putting up some webs to absorb stray blasts," Xander replied. "The Titans aren't trained to work with us yet, so we decided to hang back and not get in the way."

"I thought you were trying to trap us, sorry," Mammoth apologized.

"Well that killed the mood," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, my battle boners gone," Billy Numerous agreed, causing half the Titans to make faces of disgust.

"We were just covering for Billy to escape with pictures of the tablet of that Horus guy," Mammoth said.

"Stop giving away our missions!" Jinx complained zapping Mammoth in the ass with a hex bolt.

"Ouch!" Mammoth rubbed his ass. "Sorry."

"Dude, posters of it are available in the gift shop for like, five bucks!" Beast Boy complained.

Jinx smacked herself in the head. "Next job I'm going alone."

"Hah, we didn't commit a crime big enough to justify you guys getting involved," Gizmo said with a grin.

"And with something small like this we can be out before you even finish the paperwork," Jinx said with a smirk.

"I do not enjoy the paperwork," Starfire admitted.

Robin sighed. "Oh no," he deadpanned, "Hive escaped before we could stop them."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"You were absorbing emotions throughout the battle," Raven noted once they'd returned to the tower, which had required catching a city bus and transferring at midtown to the harbor line. The Titans all had bus passes on them and Xander had to borrow bus fare from Beast Boy.

"Yes, fear and excitement are very nutritious," Xander assured her. "You already knew we fed on emotional energy."

"Yes, but I felt an… echo and it's getting stronger," she explained.

Xander froze. "We are about to give birth. Our Other did not think it important to mention."

"What do we do!?" Beast Boy exclaimed.

"Boil water and tear up some sheets!" Xander ordered.

"On it!" Beast Boy yelled running off.

Xander settled back into the chair.

"Breathe, Honey," Starfire told him, taking his hand and trying to get him to try Lamaze.

"Just watch our belly," Xander told her as a black bubble slowly began to form over his stomach.

The Titans leaned in close as what appeared to be a ball of tar expanded into a small black figure… that immediately leapt onto Cyborg's face.

"Arrrgh!" Cyborg yelled throwing himself backwards as it turned to liquid and started covering his entire body.

"Don't fight it!" Xander ordered, jumping to his feet. "Accept the bond!"

"Is this normal?" Starfire asked.

"Unfortunately," Xander agreed cheerfully.

"Wedgie!" Cyborg yelped rolling around on the carpet. "How is this possible?! I don't even have those parts!"

"What do we need to do?" Robin demanded.

"Nothing," Raven said feeling the amusement of Xander and his symbiote, as well as Cyborg calming down under the projected joy of his symbiote as it bonded to him.

Cyborg laid still, his entire form covered in a layer of solid black before it morphed once more into skin and hair. Opening his eyes he climbed to his feet with an expression of awe. "I-I can feel," he whispered examining his now human looking hands.

"He's human?" Robin asked.

"He's still a cyborg, but his Other can easily substitute for missing skin and even limbs if need be," Xander explained.

"I can see that," said a red faced Raven, quickly turning away.

"Huh?" Cyborg glanced down and saw his symbiote had replaced more than just his legs. "I-I'm so happy!"

"Yes, we can see," Xander told him.

"Ahh!" Cyborg covered himself with his hands.

 **Typing by: The Last Primarch!**


	6. Chapter 6

Oz decided that the best way to tell everyone he was still alive was to simply walk in and tell them... while holding a large wooden cross and wearing a bullet proof vest. Just because a wooden stake or crossbow bolt wouldn't permanently kill him didn't mean it was something he wished to experience. Entering the library carrying a huge wooden cross half his size he simply said, "Hey."

Buffy and Faith reached for weapons but paused on seeing the cross and exchanged glances.

"Who are you?!" Giles demanded, grabbing a crossbow.

"Oz," he replied, setting the cross on the table while Willow stared at him in shock.

"Oz died," Giles snapped out, "try again!"

"Still Oz," he replied. "Fire isn't silver."

"B-but Xander killed you!" Willow moaned.

"Is that like some zen shit?" Faith asked, confused. "Fire isn't silver?"

"I can't believe we missed that," Giles said setting down his crossbow.

"Giles?" Buffy asked, her tone demanding answers.

"You can't burn a werewolf to death," Giles explained. "Well, not unless you completely cremate the body or possibly just a significant portion of it."

"So..." Buffy asked hopefully.

"Oz!" Willow threw herself at him, tears running down her face.

"It's me," he promised as he held her. "Though technically I am my own cousin now, as 'Oz' died too publicly to cover up."

"I'm just glad you're back," Buffy said as Willow cried in his arms.

"What's with you thinking Xander killed me?" Oz asked.

"The thing with Willow and him and then both your bodies were found in the basement," Buffy said uncomfortably.

"Xander's head was pulped and body so badly burned no prints were left, but he did drop his wallet, plus they ID'd him as the wheel man where they bought the stuff to make the bomb you busted up. By the way, thanks for that. The fire we could deal with, thanks to some mojo, but if the bomb had exploded we'd have been toast," Faith explained, when it became apparent no one else was going to.

"That's not what happened," Oz disagreed.

"What?" Willow asked as she stopped crying.

"My Aunt had me doing a bunch of meditation to help deal with dying," Oz said slowly. "A side effect of all that, was getting a pretty clear memory of what happened while I was... changed."

"So Xander didn't become get all jealous and raise a bunch of zombies to kill you?" Buffy asked.

"Psycho Jack and his friends set up the bomb," Oz said, ignoring Buffy's confusing explanation. "They were all zombies, but Xander was there trying to stop him. The wolf... I attacked them and the barrels got knocked over. Xander got covered in oil somehow and then everything was fire and my next memory is waking up after the next night."

"Then why was he seen with the zombies while they stole all the bomb stuff?" Buffy asked.

"I don't know," Oz said with a shrug.

"He could have gotten cold feet, only to find the zombies he'd raised had broken free of his control," Giles offered, recalling his own days as a rebellious youth and some of the stunts he'd pulled.

"More likely he stumbled across them and they forced him to help them," Buffy said, knowing what Xander's luck had been like.

Faith shrugged. "Doesn't really matter at this point, he's gone and not coming back."

"I suppose you're right," Giles said with a smile. "Still at least we know he was trying to stop it, regardless of whether he had a hand in creating it and no one else was permanently harmed."

"And he's in a better place now," Buffy said.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

Xander dodged wildly as sparkling pink blasts shattered the ground around him. "Hurry up and free them already!"

"Working on it!" Cyborg yelled back as he and Mammoth pounded away at the mass of pink crystal that had trapped both their teams.

"Crack damn you!" Mammoth roared as his blows simply bounced off the crystal.

"Physical force ain't doing it," Cyborg said as he paused to take a breath.

"So we keep pounding until we find the right rhythm!" Mammoth roared angrily.

"Rhythm... that's it!" Cyborg yelled excitedly. His right arm morphed into a sonic cannon as his skin took on a black scaled patter like a reptile.

"What the hell?!" Mammoth asked, staring at Cyborg in shock.

Cyborg ignored the super powered teen as he adjusted the sonic cannon's frequency on the fly and fired it at the crystal.

Mammoth clapped his hands over his ears as the frequency hit a pitch that drove him to his knees.

Xander shot streamers of web into the air around his foe. "What is it with us and ancient mummies? Or us and ring wielders?"

The ancient Egyptian Queen, restored to full beauty and power by the pink ring she wore yelled something at Xander that caused him to blush and respond in the same language. With a scream of rage, she flew out of range of attack and started charging up her ring for a mammoth blast, before the sound of crystal shattering rang out across the battlefield.

"What did it do to me?" Gizmo demanded, the young bald supervillain now wearing a pink outfit better suited to a woman with a V-shaped split that went all the way down past his belly button exposing half his hairless chest.

"To you?" one of the many recently freed Billy Numerous' demanded in a high pitched voice as she fondled her own chest. "I'm female!"

"Damn, we look hot as a girl," one of the male Billys said with a whistle.

"I think I gained a cup size," Jinx noted as she tried to pull the front of her pink outfit together to cover herself up more.

"Where the hell is my utility belt?!" Robin demanded as he tried to remove the wedgie the pink outfit gave him.

"This is quite nice," Starfire said as she stretched and twisted to make sure the outfit fit well.

"Ring challenge!" Xander called out, causing the building blast to dissipate and lowering the resurrected Queen to the ground while she howled and fought her ring every step of the way, her supernatural vitality allowing her to force it to stay active somehow.

"Dude, pink does not go well with green," Beast... Girl complained.

"Hah, you're a chick!" Gizmo laughed.

Beast Girl smirked and shifted back to male. "Dude, that's like first day shapeshifting lessons."

"Aww," Gizmo groaned, disappointed.

The multiple Billy's vanished one by one until only two were left, one male, one female.

"Looks like we're stuck at two," Billy noted.

"At least we got a kick ass rack," Billie replied, unfazed as she hefted her breasts thoughtfully.

In the background, Xander and the Egyptian Queen could be seen standing each with a hand outstretched, but while the Queen's ring glowed slightly brighter than Xander's, her body was rapidly aging as she fought her ring for dominance rather than submit to the challenge.

"Um... guys," Jinx said nervously as she noticed Raven standing absolutely still, dressed in the same ridiculous pink outfit as the others, the formerly blue jewel on her forehead a matching pink and her four red eyes glaring balefully at everyone.

"Ahhh!" Beast Boy took cover behind Mammoth.

"This is bad," Robin said.

"Thanks Captain Obvious, I didn't think we could have figured that out for ourselves!" Gizmo snapped.

"WHERE IS MY CLOAK?!" Raven roared.

The Egyptian Queen crumbled into dust as Xander caught her ring and combined it with his own before falling to his knees exhausted.

Cyborg quickly wove together a cloak out of webbing and flung it at his pissed off teammate who seemed to regain control as she donned it, her eyes no longer glowing and only two in number once more.

"No offense, but I really think everyone should change before we tangle again," Jinx said, tugging at the front of her costume.

"Tell us what this was all about and you have a deal," Robin replied.

"We were paid to do a resurrection ritual on..." Jinx turned and looked at the pile of dust and bones where the Queen had stood. "Anyway we were paid to wake the dead and we're done now and no, we have no idea who was footing the bill and wouldn't tell you if we knew."

"Guess we're done here then," Robin said, all his evidence of Hive being involved pretty much destroyed with his belt.

Xander made a bag out of webbing and started collecting some of the larger crystal fragments.

"What are you doing?" Cyborg asked.

"Alien crystal," Xander said. "I'm going to cut them into gems and sell them. I'll make a mint!"

"Frag it, why didn't I think of that?!" Gizmo yelled.

Xander made a bag out of webbing and tossed it to him.

"That was very nice of you," Starfire noted.

"I got all I need and there's plenty left over," Xander replied with a shrug.

"Let's get back to the tower, I feel exposed," Robin said as Hive collected all the remaining crystals.

"I wonder if I can get one of these in green," Beast Boy said posing in his new outfit.

 **Typing by: Abyssal Angel**


End file.
